8. (The Tranny Ritual)

A work by

good day!
one bone crushing to avoid bone crushing!
a little filler as well! please!
how much?
is it going to hurt?
for how long will i look like a monster before i start looking like i should have looked after
puberty?
i mean
i was a testosterone monster before, this should not be strange to me.
how much pain to make the pain go away?
the one that sometimes makes me want to crawl out of my skin
permanently.
not in a good way.
metamorphosis into worms and earth.
how much pain to avoid pain of looking in the mirror like this?
i knooow i’m pretty without it.
i knooow I’m not a monster
but when you feel like one
you might as well be one.
from pretty to vain.
vanity.
selfishness.
i will be unnatural
you say?
i will be something else
you say?
a fake.
woman.
even faker if I put all this plastic in me.
did I hear you correctly?
i am not doing this for
kicks
and
laughs

16

i don’t have money
i almost sold my kidney for this
a body part to open another body part
cut me open so I can stop picking at my already sore and puss-filled wounds that this face is
opening each time I see it in its current form
imagine having a face that makes you tremble in fear every time you see it
sometimes you don’t want to see it anymore so you think of ways to gage your eyes out
maybe with a razor
do i have a screwdriver nearby
will someone do it for me if i go to a violent part of town so i don’t have to worry about feeling
bad about hurting myself
somebody else can bash my face in
hello sir?!
will you break my nose please
i really think it curves to the wrong side
break my brow bone too it is too roof-y for me
can you choke the adam’s apple for me
or maybe just punch me there
yeah i know i’ll bleed
maybe even to death
but I don’t have reconstruction money
hatecriming is free sir
can you reconstruct me please
it’s free
you can punch my female in
reconstruct me to survive
reconstruction as survival
sir
reconstruct me

17

RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION AS SURVIVAL
RECONSTRUCTION
AS
SURVIVAL.